Moore to Ponder

For years I have pondered and appreciated them, and the verses that follow them.

I was thinking about “in all thy ways” and “acknowledge” in verse 6 tonight.

acknowledge– “to know, recognize”

in all thy ways– everything (basically)

(Sighing)…

We go through seasons where our hearts can be so heavy with sadness. Yet even during these times it is so obvious to me that the Lord is lovingly providing for me constantly in countless ways. Some might say I’m taking my interpretation too far, but I believe “all of my ways” would also include “all of my moods”:

“6 For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.” 2Corinthians 4:6-11

That was my post.

I said a lot there. I hope you all don’t mind.

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Well, where do I go from here? What is my real problem?

My problem is that there is something that I am holding onto with all of my might. I’m holding onto it with my heart while being fully aware that it’s not in my hands, and oh, how I wish it were in my hands! If there “is” some part that is still in my hands it is a part that is so tiny that I can’t see it…like a tiny splinter or a tiny sliver of glass. It is something that is sharply felt. I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to say “It’s okay even if it is never repaired…even if it’s never restored.”

This isn’t good, is it? I am supposed to “sincerely” say “Thy will be done”. Oh, how it must hurt my Heavenly Father that I would underestimate His Hands!

I have huge regrets.

A few years ago I entered a season where I began to compromise when it was not appropriate to do so. No, I didn’t kill anyone. No, I didn’t steal. No, I didn’t have an extramarital affair.

But yes, I did compromise and I sinned.

Someone very close to me did the very same thing at the very same time.

A third person witnessed it all. This person was in a weakened state at the time. She had weathered many personal conflicts, and had been straying in her own way for quite some time. However she loved me and the second person very deeply, and we loved her so deeply…still love her so deeply. We absolutely adored her from the very moment she was born.

When she witnessed it all (our sinful compromises) she jumped to conclusions. Her imagination went wild, and assumed we had committed sins that in actuality, we had never committed. She was deeply hurt, and felt deeply betrayed.

She left.

She never gave us a chance to explain anything. We haven’t seen her in over two years. The last time we heard from her she told us she never wanted to see us again.

It’s as if she suddenly forgot about 20 years of love we had poured into her, 20 years of careful nurturing, protecting, comforting…even extravagant doting were all erased from her memory. We were not rich in material things, but we managed to make the ends meet and in a sense doted on her constantly.  Some might call it “dime store doting”, or “Dollar General Store doting”….”cookies and Kool-Aid, countless slumber parties…never say ‘No’ ” kind of doting.

We know in a general sense that she is less than a two hour drive away. But we do not know which town, and her heart is many thousands of miles away. We have no phone number. I have nightmares almost every night. I still cry every day.

The Lord continues to bless us though. Every day I witness Him at work in so many beautiful ways. I still have moments where I just have to smile, and moments where I laugh at things. But there is not an hour that goes by where she is completely out of my thoughts…where I am not trying to think of some way to locate her, to reach out to her, to apologize, and to clarify…to hold her and never let go.

I am a mother who misses her daughter. I guess I’ll keep holding on as best I can, and try to rest in the fact that the Lord is holding on, too.

https://pronetoponder.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/defining-moments/

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